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Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Where You Can Find Players During a Lockout


The mood around the NHL right now is sombre and tense. Will there be a lockout or will we get to see hockey?
The best way to lighten a mood and break the tension is to laugh. That's why today's piece is guaranteed to make you chuckle and forget about your lockout blues.

We'll be taking a look at where you can find some NHL stars and what they'll be doing while hockey is on hold.

Raffi Torres- Anger Management Classes

Torres is the type of player who skates the thin line between tough guy and all around idiot. He received a 25 game suspension for a hitting Blackhawks Marian Hossa in the head. Prior to the Hossa hit Torres had been suspended twice for hitting opponents in the head. During the lockout you can find Torres taking some anger management classes to help him channel another outlet for his anger so he no longer feels the need to take out star players because they get more ice time or score more goals than himself.  You can tell if the classes have taken worked when he goes to hit another opponent; Does he leave his feet and leap at the players head or simply drive his elbow into their head?

Ilya Bryzgalov- Teaching a class about the Universe

Did you know that the universe is "humongus big"? True story, I learned it from Bryzgalov. During to the the 24/7 series that followed the Flyers up to the Winter Classic, fans were treated to a little peak inside the Russian goaltenders mind. As it turns out Bryzgalov is obsessed with the universe, unfortunately for Flyers fans he wanted to see if he could get his Goals Against Average to be as "humongus big" as the universe which he studies. Good news for students you can expect the goalie to be at a school near year teaching about the universe and the solar system. In edition to teaching about the universe he will also be teaching courses on personality and how to handle the media.

Alexander Ovechkin- Starring in Music Videos

On top of being one of the best hockey players in Bryzgalov's "humongus big" universe, Ovechkin also likes to spit out the rhymes. A video came out in January that featured the Capitals captain rapping in a Russian Music Video. No need to cry for Ovechkin during the lockout, he has a pretty solid backup plan that pays just as well as a hockey career. Look for Ovechkin to realize his own music videos and maybe even sign a record deal this offseason, after all he's pretty "ill".

Henrik Lundqvist- Touring with his band

On top of being one of the best goalies in the NHL, the most stylist athlete and an al around classy guy, Lundqvist can "shred" pretty hard on the guitar. During the offseason the Rangers goalie spends time with his band and playing gigs, looks like he has his backup plan all worked out. Rockstars also make some pretty decent money.

Sidney Crosby- Reliving his glory days with the TimBits

Over the last two seasons Crosby has had nothing but trouble with concussions and "concussion like symptoms". Right now he claims to be fully healthy and ready to go, too bad there's going to be a lockout. Why would Crosby risk getting hurt playing in the KHL or in Europe when he can play with little 6-7 year olds who can't cause any harm to him, heck they can't even reach his head.

Tim Thomas- Run for Congress

Thomas has reached a point in his career where he no longer cares what people think of him, he made that very clear this season by expressing his multiple political views. Thomas had a crazy season mixed with poor play and politics. He's already stated he will take the season off to focus on his personal life and to once again become true to himself. Who know's maybe we'll see him run for congress, can you imagine President Thomas? If you get handed a pin with his face on it or see a poster that says "vote for Thomas" do society a favour and tear it down.

Ryan Miller- Protesting Hitting

After Milan Lucic ran over Miller in a game last season, Miller stuck around to share some words about his feelings towards Lucic. While I myself do not support the hit, the scenario itself turned out to be pretty funny. Look for Miller to be in the stands at OHL or AHL hockey games offering to do post game press conferences about dirty hits. Who know's maybe he can even get his own segment where he chimes in about how he feels about a player after a hit.

Patrick Kane- Party Rocking

Whether their is a lockout or not, Kane knows what to do when he's not busy playing hockey. Pictures and articles have leaked about Kane being a partyanimal and getting drunk. Kane will be happy with a lockout as it means he can party non-stop without having to worry about hockey. If you go to a pary during the lockout be on the lookout for Patrick Kane, he'll be the life of the party. Special tip, don't ride in a taxi cab with him!

There you have it folks, a light-hearted article poking a little fun at some of the players. Hopefully there is no NHL lockout and we wont see the players in the scenarios above.


<p>This post is an official entry in the <a href=""></a> <a href="">Writing Contest</a>.</p>


  1. HAHA! That was AWESOME, Cait! Well done! I didn't know that Lundqvist had some guitar skills! Lockout or not - I hope that freak Torres DOES get some AM classes - or else I may have to teach him some myself!

  2. I’m glad you liked it! It’s amazing what talents some of the players have.
    Uh-oh hope Torres gets the memo, he doesnt want to mess with you!

  3. Nice to read about the lighter side of hockey. Although I'm still fretting over lockout talk.

  4. I'm glad you like it. Wanted to write something that would make people laugh, especially during the lockout.
    The lockout does suck I agree

  5. Glad to hear